Straight guy walks into a gay bar in Berlin…

We’ve recently reported the complaints of a guy who claimed that Gran Canaria is too gay – but this time we have a winner (we couldn’t resist this mild pun, though calling the guy with the name of a male body part is too good for him).

Kyle W. of San Antonio, Texas, recently walked into a gay club in Berlin called “Berghain” It’s an adult club, and we all know what to expect when we’re visiting those… He promptly wrote down his horrifying experience on Yelp and shared it with the world:

Please excuse the long review, but I’m going to share with you my experience at Berghain. I was in Berlin a couple weeks ago and I was sitting in my hotel bar. I started chatting with a couple guys from London. They seemed normal and told me they were getting ready to head to the worlds coolest night club. I figure it’s Saturday night…what the hell. So I ask them if I can tag along. They said no problem. One of them informs me that I should probably change clothes because this place is hard to get into, but they had a connection. They recommended that I go change into black, simple clothes. No buttons on the shirts and no hoodies. They said if I had a black scarf, that would be awesome. Said the door guy loves scarves and black clothes. So I go change and come back down to the lobby. We hail a cab and are now off to this place called Berghain.

Once inside, the music is blasting too loud. You could feel it in your chest. I thought the bass was going to set my heart off rhythm. I tell the two guys from London…”Let’s go get a beer!”…They look at me like I am crazy. They offer me these strange looking little pills and I pass. No drugs for me. They both pop them and then start making out! I’m not talking about a little kiss or a peck, I’m talking open-mouth, tongue kissing. It was very aggressive/disturbing kissing. I didn’t even know these dudes were gay! I look around and there are 3 or 4 naked guys dancing all crazy with erections. I decide to go get a beer and I tell myself—maybe I’m in the wrong part of the club? Maybe this is the gay section. Nope. The whole club is the gay section!

Now there are naked guys everywhere! Sucking each other off. There was one dude that was riding another guy (cowgirl style) and yelling “Balles Tief!” “Balles Tief!”…I ask the dude next to me…”What’s he screamin?!”…He informs “Balles Tief” is German for “Balls Deep”…

I finally get to the exit and I yell to that weirdo door man “YOU SICK BASTARD!”…I hail a cab and make it back to my hotel. That was my experience at the “worlds coolest night club”..I can handle a lot of stuff, but this place was WAY over the top. I will not be back. Never.

There you go, Kyle. Never talk to strangers again!

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